He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (Ongoing) #2

Well as the title says it is time to look at "The Adventures of Teela: Super Bitch" by which of course I mean

We start this comic where the other one ended, with the (not very) shocking revelation that Despera is none other than... ADORA.  Who is this Adora person? (I hear none of you ask) why she is in fact...Teela's imaginary friend???? wait...what?Oh well, yep apparently she was Teela's imaginary friend and apparently Adora recognizes Teela from a dream as well, which must mean she has a damn good memory seeing as she was took as a baby and possibly never even met Teela and... no I don't get it at all.  Also it is very confusing as to who exactly He-Man is talking to when he asks

"You know her?"

Still Teela's reaction to meeting her old imaginary friend is exactly as you would expect from one as warm and lovable as her.  She basically insists that He-Man kill her as quickly as possible, because nothing says "hello old friend" to Teela like breaking their spine or something.

Well anyway there is a bit of banter between the three young people and eventually Despera does what a lot of people probably want to do, she throws Teela off the roof of the palace.  He-Man of course, being the hero that he is, immediately jumps after her and (if the image is to believed) gets hit by Despera's cape with a very audible THWOK.

Still he needn't have bothered as Teela, despite how far she had seemingly been thrown which should have catapulted her quite some distance from the roof, had landed safely on a ledge just below them because... she is a boomerang woman?  Honestly this comic makes less and less sense the more I read it.

Well, with some helpful advice about where and who to land on from Teela, He-Man soon makes it down to the ground floor in record time.  He is quickly followed by Despera who it seemed had the good idea to knock Teela off the ledge to her doom, an idea she unfortunately chose not to act upon (it may be becoming apparent that I do not care for this new version of Teela)

Well down on the battlefield there is some friendly banter between brother and sister in which Despera hints that He-Man and Teela are an item, a fact that He-Man doth contest a bit too strongly.  But this fun is ruined by Teela (who else) who for some reason thinks it would be a good idea to jump off the roof and break her leg on Despera's back.

It is then that Stratos appears and announces that Randor has ordered everyone to retreat to Castle Grayskull.  He picks up a cursing Teela and flies off with her, leaving He-Man and Despera alone (no counting the countless people around them of course).  Then, in an admittedly bad-ass scene, He-Man turns his back on Despera and sheathes his sword.  She believes he is giving up but...no.  Out of nowhere Battle Cat arrives and just about takes her face off with his claws... SWEET

He-Man then gets on to his trusty steed and rides off to Grayskull as Despera demands aid from a restoration mage... because she wants to fix the palace up before she moves in???

Oh she wants a healer...that kind of restoration mage.

We then cut to Castle Grayskull where Teela is horrified to learn that Mekaneck has survived the assault on the castle.  Without making light of the whole scene and ignoring the fact I don't care for Mekaneck myself, this entire outburst from Teela just firmly cements into my mind that she is and will always be... THE MEGA BITCH.  Instead of being thankful that she and her friends survived at all she goes on a tirade that the poor guy doesn't deserve.  In past incarnations of MOTU he has been shown to be a very able fighter and has earned his place amongst the masters, his neck stretching is just an added bonus.  But apparently Teela (and the god awful writer Keith Giffen who pens this crap) don't seem to have remembered that fact.

This would have been the perfect moment for He-Man, Duncan or, well anyone, to have slapped her hard across the face and told her to shut her vile harpy mouth.

Alas this doesn't happen and she just carries on about how all he does is stretch his neck.  Well all she does is act like a bloodthirsty bitch but people still seem happy she survived (tho I really don't know why)

Randor then makes a speech and reveals that it is Hordak that is behind the attack and that he was almost kidnapped himself by Hordak when he was younger.  Oh yeah..and Hordak is now a vampire.  Really we are not learning anything we didn't already know so...moving on.

Cutting to Despera briefly, she is informed that there is a lareg group of people in Castle Grayskull.  She tells the Horde Troopers under her command to form a perimeter and make sure that nobody leaves and that He-Man and Teela are hers alone to fight and kill.

Back at the castle, He-Man goes to speak with his father who is in a library.  He tells his father that while the others don't think he is mad, they also don't really believe that it is Hordak that is behind all of the trouble.  He-Man of course has trouble believing in pan-dimensional vampires and armies of Darth Vader wannabes

The stupidity of this is pointed out by Randor who reminds his son that he rides around on a giant green tiger and knows a guy made of moss who can control pants.  Randor then goes on to reveal that it was Keldor who saved him from being kidnapped as children (something readers of Skeletor's origin comic would already be aware of)

They are then interrupted by Teela's butt who informs them that the bad guys have sent an emissary who turns out to of course be...Despera.

Big shock

Another big shock is that she demands them all to surrender and they can all continue to live.  Except He-Man who must fight her to the death.  It seemed that when she had her face healed she decided to have one scar left so that she could heal it with He-Man's blood, also Battle Cat will be slaughtered and He-Man will sign his admittance of defeat in its blood which is kinda of a harsh thing to do to a little helpless kitty.

Well of course the "heroes" are having none of it and tell Despera to shove her demands.  Despera tells them to make their peace with their gods and vanishes.

He-Man then asks Teela just who this imaginary friend of hers is as Randor ends the issue by simply saying

To sum up.

Once again Keith Giffen shows just why he SUCKS as a writer for Masters of the Universe.  The characters are increasingly unlikable and this goes extra for Teela who is just a foul mouthed little annoyance who disrespects everyone around her.  In the last one it was the Sorceress who saw the biggest brunt of her bitchiness, but in this one it seems to be aimed mostly at Mekaneck.  Pretty soon people won't be reading this for the epic battle between good and evil but simply to see who is next on Teela's list of people to act like a stuck up cow to.  If this is what he wants then I must congratulate him on a job well done. 

The rest of the story was not that interesting.  The fight between He-Man, Despera and Teela had a bit too much talking and not much action and the big reveal by Randor that Hordak was behind it all was not that shocking considering we already knew that. 

On a plus side, the art of Pop Mhan still continues to be good. The characters and scenery still look very good and he still knows how to draw action that flows at a good pace.  Also like last issue, his pencil work isably helped along by Kathryn Layno's fine colors which helps to bring some light to this dark version of MOTU.

Once again the art increases the score of this, however in this case I think it is only worth giving it half a howling wolf extra.

This means that issue #2 of the ongoing Masters of the Universe comic series gets

1 Howling Wolf

Just don't bother